You regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do.

I feel like I’m launching a one-person tirade against stupid phrases that people repeat to make themselves feel more intellectual, or spiritual, or funny, or whatever they want to sound more like. I feel completely vindicated in such scenarios, because of the number of ridiculous phrases people say nowadays. They think that quoting someone is the equivalent of actually having something interesting and original to say. Well, it’s not.

I have never understood the phrase “you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do”. I get what they’re trying to say — that you should seize every opportunity handed to you by your boss or your friends or the love of your life because otherwise you might be left thinking “what if?”. After all, variety is the spice of life and all that. Personally, I don’t understand why people don’t just say that instead. That makes much more sense.

The phrase suggests that you should do literally everything. Such an indiscriminate approach to life’s fruits is bound to land you in some gruelling situations, I fear. The truth is that there are a lot of terrible decisions just waiting to be made by people who place far too much emphasis on the validity of vapid maxims that are often misattributed anyway. When people say “you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do”, I get that they mean “ask the girl out!” or “eat that delicious piece of chocolate cheesecake”. However, by invoking the phrase “you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do”, you are also inadvertently advocating tripping up that screaming child that is slightly pissing you off, or murdering your love rival in cold blood.

I seriously doubt that in the long run, you will look back and think “I wish I had committed grievous bodily harm against more people than I did” or “I wish I had caused more car crashes because the other person failed to indicate”. That’s not usually on people’s bucket lists. When Frank Sinatra sang about having a few regrets, I doubt those were at the top of his pile (although to be fair, he was my all accounts a bit of an arsehole, so perhaps that is what he meant).

We all get angry sometimes when people do stupid things. That is a fact of life. When tourists walk slowly through Soho or stand in doorways on Oxford Street, a feeling of rage bubbles up in me like a gaseous swamp (I couldn’t think of a better metaphor so we’re going to have to deal with that one). In those moments, the idea of turning around and telling them where they can stick it seems like entirely the right idea. But it doesn't matter how moronic they ultimately are, actually following through with giving the middle finger to an unsuspecting Taiwanese family on Argyll Street is never going to be your proudest moment. I won’t lose sleep over not throttling that vaguely irritating man in Wetherspoons who won’t stop throwing straws at the table next to him. Hopefully, I will be left with a sense that, whilst he almost certainly deserves violence to be inflicted upon him, that I was the bigger person. The phrase “you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do” doesn’t ring true in this situation somehow.

Whenever someone recites the aphorism in question, I always think to myself “would you say that to a murderer?”. Perhaps this is precisely the phrase Ted Bundy called to mind before slaughtering tens of innocent young women. I don’t know enough about him to comment on the specifics of the case, but in this scenario, it seems that regretting his behaviour is the absolute least he should do. Obviously, that is an extreme example but it really showcases the inconsistency with which people entreat this misappropriated adage. Snippets of wisdom should really encompass all possible scenarios. As soon as you start saying “you regret the things that you don’t do more than the things that you do; except if you want to scream in a customer’s face, commit sexual assault, or roughly disassemble a body in your bath” the phrase loses its catchy cachet. But something being catchy doesn’t mean that you should say it. That’s a terrible idea that will lead to saying “all’s well that ends well” to the grieving family of a racist.

Furthermore, even if we accept that the phrase is inconsistent, who’s to say that it’s so terrible to regret the things we don’t do? Sometimes regret is an important emotion. Guilt is an important arbiter of conscience. We should all regret on occasion. It is how we learn. We all occasionally are guilty of not taking every opportunity offered to us. We all regret not telling someone that we like them, or staying home in our pyjamas instead of going out and living “our best lives”, and that is perfectly normal. Having a stupid patronising phrase to make us feel guilty for every omission of experience we’ve ever made is unrealistic, and mostly the preserve of those fucking irritating people at wellness retreats that should probably stop doing about a quarter of the things that they do on a daily basis. You should be able to regret not doing something without regretting your entire existence.